My mate Russell Brand has got my brain fizzing with stuff. I really enjoyed what I listened to today, particularly around linking food addiction to other addictions.

Because I’ve got the audio book, I can’t refer to his exact words but Russell said something along the lines of trying to solve the problem that was him, by using food (chocolate) at an early age which then morphed itself into drugs, sex & alcohol addiction. This really resonated with me. At a young age, I remember stealing sweets & chocolate from the kitchen & eating in secret. Later, when I got pocket money, all I would buy would be sweets & chocolate, like I was starved at home.

So maybe the problem that was me, was a problem for far longer than I ever realised before I became sober. Maybe I was always destined to be a binge drinker & smoker because the notion to binge was already there.

All of these thoughts have got me thinking ‘what exactly was wrong with me?’. I had a good childhood, wanted for nothing, was in a nuclear family with lots of love. 

Then, I remembered the battleground that was school. 

I was definitely not one of the pretty girls & definitely not a minger, but somewhere in between. I was loud & funny so got to hang out with the cool kids but the equilibrium would change regularly, swinging from being massively popular to massively picked on. As they picked at me for wearing glasses or having fat ankles (yep, still paranoid about that) or being overweight (I wasn’t actually) or being loud, they were quietly crushing my self esteem. And so I ate, mostly in secret, to make myself feel better. 

As I’m writing this, I’m realising that the reason I drank was partly due to low self esteem too. I was fat & in a relationshit that was making me feel like shit & in a workplace where I was made to feel inadequate. Not too dissimilar to those childhood days huh?

Soberdom can’t change the past but it can change my future. Actually, I am one of the pretty girls & I’m doing something about my weight & unlucky for some, I’m loud & I’m proud. I’ve spent too long eating & drinking myself (un) happy. Now is the time for me to shine & I bloody well will, cankles and all. 

#day319

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