So, now my body is a temple, fuelled only by Overnight Oats and Elderflower Presse, it’s got me thinking about my mind, about my emotions.

All my life, I have been described as a drama queen .. over-emotional .. an attention seeker .. the life & soul .. THE party animal .. a crier when drunk. I prefer to think of myself as passionate and fun, only cries on special occasions (!) and tells a good story. 

Before soberdom, I used to cry. A lot. It didn’t matter where or when, it was my release. I cried at home, at work, in the car. I cried if I was happy. Or if I was sad. Which was a lot. I cried if I was tired. Or if I was angry. I was the ultimate drunk crier. 

I was trying to think when I last cried. I know I did in November. A lot. Before I gave up alcohol, and the relationshit, for good. And I know I did in December when I was so ill with flu that I had to cancel going to Christmas parties (see? drama queen). But I honestly can’t remember crying since then.

As well as being a champion crier, I’m pretty good at arguments. And winning arguments. Mainly because people find it easier and far less time to consuming just to give in. But again, I can’t remember the last argument I had. Or when I last felt like arguing. 

Throughout my life, I have taken numerous personality tests. It was always the same result. I was in the red corner, in the dominant box, likened to leaders such as Hitler and Maggie Thatcher. Empathy was always at the bottom of the list, together with sympathy and compassion. I was a tyrant who cried at the drop of a hat.
But now, I don’t feel like I’d be in the red, angry corner. I don’t feel like the dominant tyrant anymore, out to win an argument. I feel a bit more green or yellow. Mellow yellow. Less antsy. More hearts and flowers. I don’t cry anymore. I’m not sad. I’m not drunk. 

Someone asked me whether I drank because things were bad or whether things were bad because I drank. The question stumped me. I don’t know the answer. It was an alcohol fuelled viscous circle. Who knows? But what I do know, is that by removing the fuel, there is no fire. My emotions are stable, my eyes are dry. I am rational and in control. I am happy.

#day129

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