This weekend, my friend and I were talking about the good old times, of drunken nights gone by.
For example, when we went to the pub for a 'quick one' after work. After putting the world to rights, her with a bottle of Prosecco, me with a bottle of the finest red, we ended up playing Battleships in a dark corner of the pub. To this day, I still have no idea how to play, who won (but pretty sure it wasn't me!), or if we ever actually finished the game, but we still laugh about how ridiculous it was now.
Or last summer, when I stayed with her in Majorca and we drank homemade Pina Coladas and smoked copious amounts of cigarettes, whilst dancing on the balcony, watching the beautiful sunset, listening to Chicane.
Brilliant memories of brilliant times, clouded for me however, by the dreaded hangover. The Battleships night was a school night, shortly after I'd started a new role at work. The next day was horrific, woken by the alarm that I mistakenly thought was the sandwich van. Yes, I already thought I was at work and hadn't even made it out of bed yet. I was sick first and then had endure a whole day feeling rubbish, counting the hours until I could get back in bed and die.
The same happened after Pina Colada night. Sick. For hours. We ventured out for a drive and I just remember feeling ill in the back of the car, not knowing what to do with myself, saved only by a Big Mac & a fat coke in Magaluf and a dip in crystal clear waters.
My point is that, whilst I had fantastic times on a high, there was always a low. And my lows had become unbearable. I know some of my friends are starting to mourn the old me, realising it is unlikely she will ever come back but to be honest, I'm glad that I will (hopefully) never hug the porcelain telephone again (**).
I am starting to understand that a sober life is a much more steady life emotionally. It can feel a bit 'flat' at times however I think that is a fair trade to be in control and not ill. I dread to think of the damage I have caused to myself over the years and just hope that now, I can repair some of it.
I am not dead. I'm a work in progress, slowly transforming into the new me. Or perhaps I'm actually becoming the real me, not clouded by the deceiving cloak of alcohol; not hiding behind a large Sauvignon. Only time will tell whether I can be 'just as fun' without my faithful protector and whether I ever see beyond midnight again!
(**) - calling Jesus on the porcelain telephone' - the act of clinging to the toilet basin whilst throwing up violently after a heavy night on binge drinking