** Warning ** I may say some things you don’t agree with & for that I’m truly sorry but this is my opinion & my opinion only & not against any individual in any way **
I’m going to be honest. Personally, I’ve never understood ‘blipping’. I know it happens & that not everyone gives up alcohol on Day 1 forever. I also get that you can climb back on that horse/wagon/bus & carry straight on & not discount the sober days behind you & that’s absolutely fine.
But I’ve never understood the actual process of blipping. The actual conscious decision to undo all of your hard work in a moment of madness by going to the shop/pub, buying/pouring yourself a drink, taking a sip and cracking on.
Until now.
Now, I’m starting to understand that the process of ‘blipping’ is not so much about the drink hitting your lips, the ritual of weekend pleasure, the desire to satisfy that craving. I’m understanding that it is also about the escape route, the desire to break up the utter monotony of daily life, to satisfy the rebel inside.
Soberdom makes me think. Too much. I’m at a point where I’m thinking what is the point. Not in a suicidal, woe is me kind of a way but in a ‘there must be more to life than this’ way. My pattern of life before Soberdom was broken up by craziness. The opportunity to get out of my own overthinking head. But now that option is gone, my life is beyond regimented & I can barely see space for fun & spontaneity.
I know this sounds very doom & gloom. In some ways, it is. I guess I just need to find out where to get my dopamine high from & it’s no longer coming from a Magnum or a Russell Brand podcast.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not close to ‘blipping’. For me, it is just not an option. I have promised myself that my status/blog will never read ‘back on day 1’ & that is enough for me to stay strong. I don’t get tempted in the booze aisle or in a pub .. the consequences of me taking a sip are far too great to contemplate.
But
I need something. Something needs to perk/pick me up. My mood is teetering on utterly fucked off / bored /rebellious / regimented / unable to see the Sober light of day. I want something that stops my brain thinking, just for a little while. Yes, walking is good for a few hours, plugged into someone else’s tale of woe. But soon it’s back to my own. A Boo A Hoo.
So this week the quest commences .. How to stick a smile on the miserable Sober Fish face. I am going to a meditation gong bath & have my first proper counselling session. I’ve also got a few days off work & my first sober birthday. If mocktails, cake & steak can’t do it, I’m not sure what will!
#day330